Are Your Relationships A Source Of Despair Rather Than Joy?

Relationships can be complicated and confusing for everyone at times. People grow and change, and their needs and desires in relationships sometimes shift too.  Sometimes you may be the one changing and moving on and sometimes you may be the one being left behind.  But if you find yourself often struggling to find and maintain relationships that feel supportive and healthy, it may be time to take a closer look at what is going on.  Do you:

• Often feel pushed away by others?

• Often feel taken advantage of by friends or romantic partners?

• Feel like you don’t know the “right thing” to say or do in your relationships?

• Feel like you can’t get emotionally close to other people?

• Find that your emotions, especially anger, seem to sabotage relationships?

• Receive feedback from others that you are “too needy” or “clingy” or that you “want too much”?

• Get “too close too fast” in relationships?

• Have trouble setting limits or boundaries in relationships?

If so, relationship counseling may be helpful.  Through relationship counseling, I can help you identify and change patterns that are currently getting in the way and can help you open the door to rewarding, satisfying, and joyful relationships.  

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS ARE COMMON…AND FIXABLE

According to the American Psychological Association’s 2011 Stress in America survey, 58% of those responding cited relationships as a source of stress in their lives!  There can be many factors that create relationship stress. Current life stressors can certainly play a role. Sometimes relationship problems stem from what we see or experience as children and adolescents. We may not have had strong role models or we may have picked up some bad habits from previous relationships. Or sometimes we are attracted to people who aren’t a healthy match, or who are struggling with their own relationship issues. The good news is that with the help of an experienced therapist and relationship counseling, you can learn to develop healthy, lasting relationships.

WHAT KINDS OF TREATMENT ARE USED IN RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING?

Individual therapy tailored to your concerns can help identify exactly how your relationships are problematic as well as the best way to treat your concerns. I use several evidence-based (in other words, there is research showing they work) treatments, depending on the nature of your concerns:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) explores our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world, and helps identify patterns of thinking that may be getting in your way. By first identifying problematic beliefs, you then can choose to change your thoughts to be more accurate and helpful in daily life. CBT also focuses on changing one’s behaviors as needed, and builds skills that are helpful in interacting with others.  It often includes mindfulness (staying present in the moment) and may borrow from other therapies (such as DBT and ACT; see below). My initial training as a therapist was in CBT and I have used CBT and CBT-related therapies for almost 20 years. 

• Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a cognitive-behavioral based therapy that focuses in part on skill-building to help improve interactions with others, better control emotions, and better handle distress. It includes use of mindfulness (being present in the moment), and also targets self-destructive and quality of life concerns during sessions. Originally developed to treat clients diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, DBT has been found to be effective for a variety of presenting concerns and to improve social and overall functioning. I have completed DBT intensive training through Behavioral Tech. (Behavioral Tech is the training arm of the Linehan Institute which is led by Marsha Linehan, the developer of DBT.) In addition, I am part of a DBT program team at the Veterans Affairs Outpatient Clinic in Austin. 

• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) shares elements of cognitive behavioral therapy while also emphasizing the importance of mindfulness (being present in the moment, and aware and accepting of your feelings, thoughts and body sensations). In addition, ACT explores your personal values in life, and helps you to move toward those values. ACT works to develop psychological flexibility through the use of its concepts; increased flexibility means you are better able to navigate through relationships and life in general. I have used ACT with individual clients and in groups for several years. 

• Relationship/Social Skills Training may also be an important part of relationship counseling and can be used alone or incorporated into other therapies. This type of training focuses on some of the “nuts and bolts” of relationships, offering tips and strategies to improve your interactions with others. This type of work may be especially helpful if you have trouble initiating relationships or feel uncomfortable socializing. 

SO WHAT HAPPENS IN RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING? 

Well, first, I create a safe and compassionate environment for you in which to learn and improve relationship skills. Therapy can be hard work and it’s important that you feel comfortable engaging in this process.  Our initial work in therapy will focus on understanding your relationship history and identifying what is getting in your way of having rewarding relationships. We will then work together to choose the best therapeutic approach for you; it is not unusual for us to decide to combine aspects of several therapies for the best results. Brace yourself: There will be homework! Homework is critical to moving you forward in this process efficiently and effectively. However, if you are committed and ready to work, I know that together we can get you to where you want to be: feeling more happy, content, and satisfied in your relationships with friends and romantic partners.

BUT WHAT IF…

My problems can’t be fixed?
Sometimes clients have shared that they’ve seen other therapists and it wasn’t particularly helpful, leading to concerns that their problem is too big to fix. An unhelpful therapy experience is a truly unfortunate and avoidable situation! Finding a well-trained therapist who is experienced in relationship counseling and focused 100 percent on helping you feel better should be your goal and expectation. I have been working with clients for almost 20 years and have yet to encounter someone who was willing to do the work but couldn’t be helped. Together we can get you to a better place. 

I feel uncomfortable talking about this stuff?
I understand how hard some of these concerns can be to discuss, which is why I am passionate about creating a safe environment that is supportive, understanding, and compassionate. I listen, I let you work at your pace, I love to get your feedback and collaborate with you to make it the best experience possible. While it can be tough to talk about your concerns initially, starting is usually the hardest part. Once we’re on the path, I think you’ll be eager and excited to see what comes next in relationship counseling. 

Therapy will take too long and be too expensive?
Relationship counseling is an investment in your happiness, and that’s an important investment to make. Having said that, I’m sensitive to financial considerations; after all, I live on a budget too.  Among my goals with clients is to keep them progressing at an efficient, time and budget-conscious pace. My assumption is that you would like to address your concerns, and then get out of therapy and back into your life as soon as possible. For some clients this means that we stop or “put therapy on hold” after a certain goal or goals are met; others choose to meet all of their goals before ending. There’s no right or wrong in such choices, and I’m flexible. Regardless, fewer sessions with a well-trained and effective therapist in relationship counseling will likely be more beneficial and ultimately less expensive than treatment with a less experienced therapist. 

Going to a therapist means I’m weak?
It’s the strong person who knows when they are struggling and need help. I’ve had clients say, “I wish I hadn’t waited so long to come into therapy— I wasted so many years.” My response is, “I’m so glad you’re here right now so that one year, five years, or ten years from now you won’t have any additional regrets.” The sooner you address your concerns through relationship counseling the sooner you start really enjoying your life. What’s weak about that?

I’d welcome the chance to talk with you about your relationship concerns. If you would like to schedule a free consultation or discuss any questions you may have about relationship counseling, please call me, Dr. Jana Drew, at 512-960-5265 or contact me here.